Accepting It As It Truly Is

I recently did a Facebook post that went something like this:

“It took me a while, but I’ve finally come to accept the fact that when you’re in a relationship with a Narcissist, NOTHING you do will ever be good enough. I would have never been thin enough, pretty enough, or submissive enough. No amount of material possessions or giving him what he wanted emotionally, physically, and psychologically would have made one bit of difference. I now KNOW and ACCEPT that these were not MY issues to take on, but they were things being projected on to me because of HIS own demons that he refused to deal with.”

The point I want to drive home is  exactly what the title says: Accepting It As It Truly Is. Believe me, it’s NOT an easy task and embarrassingly, I have to admit that although it didn’t take me 20+ years to acknowledge his behavior and know that it was unacceptable (and yet I continued to deal with him due to my own issues, but that’s another blog in and of itself), it did take me 26 years to finally ACCEPT things about myself, about him and about me and him as a unit which led to me being able to put a label on our relationship dynamic and ultimately leading to resources that would help me on my journey to heal.

Breaking the Betrayal Bond (Podcast)

Originally posted on Caught in the Cogs:

Episode 18: Breaking the Betrayal Bond.

Sometimes called Stockholm Syndrome, a betrayal bond is an inexplicable bond one makes with his/her abuser. Until that bond is recognized and broken, the victim of abuse cannot heal or move forward. Often times, we see the periods between abuse as kindness, and we start to empathize with our abuser. It is very important to recognize this pattern and break it. For links to helpful books and the quotes from the sources spoken about in this podcast, please visit the original blog post.

Breaking the Betrayal Bond (Podcast)

Original Blog Post

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Breaking the Betrayal Bond

trainerchick:

I can relate to this in so many ways. Im reblogging because i want others who may be dealing with the same thing to be enlightened and hopefully seek the necessary help.

Originally posted on Caught in the Cogs:

Betrayal Bond. Trauma Bond. Stockhom Syndrome. These terms all describe the same thing: a deep, inexplicable bond with someone who has hurt you.

Perhaps the word “hurt” is an understatement.

This phenomenon is caused when a victim of abuse feels a strong bond to their abuser. These victims develop compassion and loyalty to their abusers, whether that abuse be physical, psychological, emotional, verbal, or a combination thereof. They tend to see the lack of abuse or periods between abuse as kindness, as proof of their abuser’s humanity.

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The Gift of A Platonic Relationship

I so believe in these between members of the opposite sex! I believe in them because I’ve been blessed enough to meet someone of the opposite sex that I not only consider my best friend, but also like a brother. I don’t know the statistics or numbers, but I would assume that the number of people in relationships with a best or close friend of the opposite sex is not all that high. Even though I’m currently not in a relationship and to be exact, I’m divorced, when I was, I still had my besty right there beside me (so to speak).

Now if you recall in the ‘About Me’ section, I said that my blogs were more of an online diary, which means that this blog right here is no exception. I usually write on random stuff and so during the randomness that frequently goes thru my mind, I started thinking about my best friend, how blessed I was to even have one and then for some reason started to think about people who really take friendship for granted. Of course, one person, who shall remain nameless in the event he ever reads this, instantly came to mind. Here, we have a person who can basically be considered a womanizer. He lives off other people (mostly women) and to my knowledge, in all the 20+ years (that was a major name hint right there!) that we’ve been knowing each other, I don’t ever recall him having a friend of the opposite sex that he could truly call just a ‘friend’. It’s sad to realize that every relationship he had with the opposite sex either started off as a game, an ego booster or a manipulation tactic. On those rare occasions that I did see this person, I used to get really frustrated at the comments that come out his mouth when someone of the opposite sex was simply being polite or conversing with me. To him, it was always that other person is trying to “get with me” or some stupid ulterior motive other than simple conversation. I realized a long time ago that just like the ole’ saying goes, “you can’t give what you don’t have”, well you also can’t UNDERSTAND what you’ve never experienced.

One of the characteristics of a friendship, no matter if it’s with the same sex or opposite, is being able to just be YOU. Being honest, up front, and relaxed around each other are vital to ANY relationship. When you have a friend of the opposite you should be able to go hang out, do normal things, not be distracted by any one-sided or mutual attraction lingering in the air but rather, if their IS any attraction, one or both parties should be able to put those feelings aside for the sake of the friendship and not let them be a driving or motivating force. Also, you should want to hang out because they’re your friend – not because of what they can do for you or what you can get from them but because they are truly your platonic friend.

I dont know. This is a subject that I feel really strongly about and I know that it’s a lot more complex than what I’ve expressed, but I really get disheartened when I think of how their are those who don’t have the capability at this point in their life to make genuine connections with the opposite sex or even have the insight on how to cultivate them without seeing every person as an opportunity to survive, get over or get ahead in life. You truly don’t know that you’re missing out on one of the simple pleasures of life: a true friendship with someone.

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Stay Thankful

Taking time out to remember to be grateful – not just for the good things that have happened in my life, but for the bad as well. I don’t know who your higher power is, but mine says that everything happens for a reason. Good. Bad. Somewhere in between. It all works out and i personally believe that whether you look to a higher power, have a spiritual outlook or look to the good in everything, if you stay positive and remember to count your blessings even in the not so good times, everything will work out! As they say….every cloud has a silver lining and their IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay positive and live in the moment because tomorrow is never promised and you may end up wasting precious time stressing over something that may never come to pass! Live!Image

Healing

I want to take the time to do a short blog (a mini blog, if you will) on the power of healing. Not healing from “boo-boos” when you scrape yourself. Not healing from major surgery or the like. But healing from what is essentially self-inflicted emotional wounds. For so many people, myself included, when we’re hurt we put up walls and come up with ways to protect ourselves from allowing that person to further inflict pain upon us. I call it self-inflicted because at the end of the day, these walls, these negative attitudes towards them, the grudges, the resentment etc. is not hurting anybody except us.

Well, I was in that situation and had even convinced myself and wholeheartedly believed that in order for me to deal with a particular person was, in essence, NOT to deal with them because i knew that any mention of their name, the mere sight of their face or anything related to them would send me into a downward spiral of nothingness and believe me when i say, because ive kept track, it would take a minimum of 3-4 days to recover and rejoin the living but then i literally had a ‘divine revelation’ that “wait a minute….this is not healthy for me. Im not getting anywhere and its definitely doing me more harm than it isnt them!” I realized i needed to let it go and come up with another solution. So thats what i did – i let go and let God. Meaning that through prayer, prayer and more prayer, i was able to shift the focus from those negative feelings to working on what i needed to work on in order to move forward. By doing that, i can honestly say that the next time i actually SAW this person, feelings of hatred, resentment, hostility and every other negative emotion that gets conjured up from the depths of hell no longer ruled me. I ruled them. I was able interact with this person as if we were friends and their wasnt an ounce of bad history between us.

Moral of the story my friends: its true what they say about forgiveness, doing it for you and not for them and holding on to grudges. That other person is going on with their life and you’re sitting around reaping the consequences. You’re drinking the poison that’s meant for them! So for those of you who are in similar situations, find your inner being and higher power, combine the two and let it all go!! You’ll find that you move forward a lot faster than if you didnt. Image