The Conundrum Of The Narcissist

I’m not sure if I should say I HAVE a narcissist in my life, or HAD one. I guess technically he’s still in it, just not on a relationship level and yes, that IS possible because while I believe that the recommended ways to handle a narcissist are tried, true and beneficial, I also believe that each situation will have its unique circumstances and exceptions because of the differences in personality and strengths of the so called ‘victim’. Yes, at the core, the ‘victims’ of narcissists usually have dysfunctions and issues that attracted and kept the narcissist in their life but it’s not a one size fits all, set in stone, be all end all solution on dealing with those kinds of people for EVERYONE 100% of the time and with that said, I’ll get to the sad point of this blog. I don’t justify or excuse ANY of the behavior and/or choices a narcissist engages in or makes but when you think about some of the things that contributed to them becoming this way, it really can be heart breaking. Without being too therapeutic, because I’m not a therapist, I’ll just focus on ONE of the factors that is believed to be a factor to narcissism and therefore leads to this viscous cycle in my opinion.

Somewhere, back in the narcissist’s early life, they LEARNED that they couldn’t depend on those that they should have been able to, so from this they come to believe that its only themselves they can count on, hence the self centered “its all about me, I have to look out for me because nobody else will” mentality. Yes, their are other factors and other theories out there about how narcissism comes into play, but none-the-less, what I just described is definitely an element. The conundrum lies within the scenario of the narcissist not feeling that they can open up and
trust, learned at that crucial age, and that they have to take care of themselves by any means necessary. As a result, they engage in behaviors that hurt and alienate others. This in turn most times causes the recipient of these behaviors to call them to call them on their sh**, exposing them and their manipulative plans, but because the narcissist has created such an air tight fantasy world about themselves, they take your exposure of them as personal attacks thereby exacerbating the “the world is against me” mentality. So in just looking at that one component, what is a person to do?

I’m not saying that it’s the duty of the people that are in the line of fire of the narcissist to be compassionate and understanding towards the narcissist for THEM, but I AM suggesting that if you’re going to educate yourself on the tactics of a narcissist, that it would also be beneficial to understand the ‘why’s’ in terms of origin. I know for me personally, its only been in the recent months that I’ve made a CHOICE to have an element of compassion on the sad, pathetic existence of a narcissist – not for them, but for me and in making this choice, it didn’t change HOW i dealt with my situation, but it did give ME a little more peace of mind. That’s just me.

Analyzing The Three Little Kittens

This blog right here is on a very random topic. To some it may seem little ridiculous. Some may even ask “why does she even care?” and honestly, its just one of those things that caught my attention and has stayed in my mind as I have been watching nursery rhymes with my 16 month old granddaughter. Not long ago I was forced to endure several hours worth of these rhymes, some new some old, and even with the old ones I’ve realized that when I was growing up I was only getting a fraction of the entire rhyme. It was amazing to find out just how many verses there is in Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I don’t know why, maybe it had something to do with the mood that I was in, but when The Three Little Kittens came on something caught my attention. Actually, a lot of things in that nursery rhyme caught my attention. Let’s begin to break down what I would call the wrongness of that rhyme and mind you, I do realize that it is intended to entertain children of a very young age and that I am being very technical. First and foremost, why are kittens talking, let alone singing? Why are they running around in there Sunday best, wearing mittens? And my last mental conundrum I seem to be having borders on the question of, “does the crime fit the punishment?” I mean, you have three cats that obviously don’t know any better, hence the use of the word “kittens” who simply have lost a clothing accessory. Extreme mother or an abusive one? Im not really seeing a correlation between losing your mittens and not being able to have a slice of pie. How did they go from being “naughty” due to losing the mittens to next being “silly” for finding them? If anyone cares to shed some light or share their opinion about this or any other nursery rhyme, please feel free to do so and once again, this ‘observation’ was all done in fun.

Empowered!

Just wanted to share something which is what I call a bit of self revelation based on experiences that I’ve had with the narcissist in my own life. Because I have a few friends that also have narcissists, psycho and sociopaths, emotionally abusive partners and overall unhealthy relationships in their lives, I always remind them of this point in hopes that it may give them some hope to feel empowered:

It goes without saying that people treat you the way that you allow them to. Of course, it’s not always so simple when we have issues that most likely originate from childhood. But the one thing I had absolutely no problem reminding MY narcissist of, is that without me and all the other dysfunctional women in the world, HE WOULD BE NOTHING! He’d have nobody to prey on, live off of, to impress with HIS fantasy realities of himself or play these ridiculous manipulation games with! He’d totally be up a creek without a paddle! Although knowing this doesn’t make the pain go away, always remember that YOU ultimately have the power. Even though you’ve given it to him or her, you have the right to revoke it the moment that you come into the realization that you deserve better!

Accepting It As It Truly Is

I recently did a Facebook post that went something like this:

“It took me a while, but I’ve finally come to accept the fact that when you’re in a relationship with a Narcissist, NOTHING you do will ever be good enough. I would have never been thin enough, pretty enough, or submissive enough. No amount of material possessions or giving him what he wanted emotionally, physically, and psychologically would have made one bit of difference. I now KNOW and ACCEPT that these were not MY issues to take on, but they were things being projected on to me because of HIS own demons that he refused to deal with.”

The point I want to drive home is  exactly what the title says: Accepting It As It Truly Is. Believe me, it’s NOT an easy task and embarrassingly, I have to admit that although it didn’t take me 20+ years to acknowledge his behavior and know that it was unacceptable (and yet I continued to deal with him due to my own issues, but that’s another blog in and of itself), it did take me 26 years to finally ACCEPT things about myself, about him and about me and him as a unit which led to me being able to put a label on our relationship dynamic and ultimately leading to resources that would help me on my journey to heal.

The Gift of A Platonic Relationship

I so believe in these between members of the opposite sex! I believe in them because I’ve been blessed enough to meet someone of the opposite sex that I not only consider my best friend, but also like a brother. I don’t know the statistics or numbers, but I would assume that the number of people in relationships with a best or close friend of the opposite sex is not all that high. Even though I’m currently not in a relationship and to be exact, I’m divorced, when I was, I still had my besty right there beside me (so to speak).

Now if you recall in the ‘About Me’ section, I said that my blogs were more of an online diary, which means that this blog right here is no exception. I usually write on random stuff and so during the randomness that frequently goes thru my mind, I started thinking about my best friend, how blessed I was to even have one and then for some reason started to think about people who really take friendship for granted. Of course, one person, who shall remain nameless in the event he ever reads this, instantly came to mind. Here, we have a person who can basically be considered a womanizer. He lives off other people (mostly women) and to my knowledge, in all the 20+ years (that was a major name hint right there!) that we’ve been knowing each other, I don’t ever recall him having a friend of the opposite sex that he could truly call just a ‘friend’. It’s sad to realize that every relationship he had with the opposite sex either started off as a game, an ego booster or a manipulation tactic. On those rare occasions that I did see this person, I used to get really frustrated at the comments that come out his mouth when someone of the opposite sex was simply being polite or conversing with me. To him, it was always that other person is trying to “get with me” or some stupid ulterior motive other than simple conversation. I realized a long time ago that just like the ole’ saying goes, “you can’t give what you don’t have”, well you also can’t UNDERSTAND what you’ve never experienced.

One of the characteristics of a friendship, no matter if it’s with the same sex or opposite, is being able to just be YOU. Being honest, up front, and relaxed around each other are vital to ANY relationship. When you have a friend of the opposite you should be able to go hang out, do normal things, not be distracted by any one-sided or mutual attraction lingering in the air but rather, if their IS any attraction, one or both parties should be able to put those feelings aside for the sake of the friendship and not let them be a driving or motivating force. Also, you should want to hang out because they’re your friend – not because of what they can do for you or what you can get from them but because they are truly your platonic friend.

I dont know. This is a subject that I feel really strongly about and I know that it’s a lot more complex than what I’ve expressed, but I really get disheartened when I think of how their are those who don’t have the capability at this point in their life to make genuine connections with the opposite sex or even have the insight on how to cultivate them without seeing every person as an opportunity to survive, get over or get ahead in life. You truly don’t know that you’re missing out on one of the simple pleasures of life: a true friendship with someone.

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Stay Thankful

Taking time out to remember to be grateful – not just for the good things that have happened in my life, but for the bad as well. I don’t know who your higher power is, but mine says that everything happens for a reason. Good. Bad. Somewhere in between. It all works out and i personally believe that whether you look to a higher power, have a spiritual outlook or look to the good in everything, if you stay positive and remember to count your blessings even in the not so good times, everything will work out! As they say….every cloud has a silver lining and their IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay positive and live in the moment because tomorrow is never promised and you may end up wasting precious time stressing over something that may never come to pass! Live!Image