At A Crossroad

Who am I? I thought I knew. Now I question it. My whole identity, who I am and who I’ve become have been tied up in that one title I’ve gone by for the past 15 years: Trainerchick. June 1997 is when I became a fitness trainer. I thought I had finally found my calling making a transition from a licensed cosmotologist doing hair and only making a difference superficially to actually doing something I felt really meant something. Not just to me but to other people and for those who didn’t know how important their health & fitness was, I was determined to be one of the dedicated fitness professionals that enlightened them!

Trainers are for the most part just like everyone else. Although we have that leg up on the general population when it comes to health & fitness knowledge, we can still suffer the same setbacks, lack of motivation, eating disorders etc. as anyone else. I’m a testament to ALL just mentioned! There’s been times when I’ve been burnt out from not just having so many clients but also from being tired of constantly feeling like I had to live up to the stereotype of what a trainer should “look like”. Not saying that those thoughts don’t cross my mind anymore because believe me, they do – especially when Im not feeling up to par, have put on 30 trillion pounds of fat  and know that for whatever reason, justified, legit, or not – and feel unworthy of even telling people what I do for a living. I remember a couple years ago a friend of mine came from out of town to visit. A perfectly planned day way quickly overthrown  when we drove up to Napa (the wine country) to spend a 1/2 day at the spa and while she went on to her 1.5 hour hot mud soak, I went into the room with the lady who was going to give me my 1.5 hour FULL BODY massage! Oh f**k! well, I can honestly say that yeah, I knew this was coming and somehow I made peace with the fact that this lady was going to be seeing me at one of my worst times but all that comfort seem to go right out the window when she asked that age old question, “so – what do you do for a living?”. Lady, why in the he’ll did you have to go there!! Not only did my self consciousness come back in full force, but I damn near O.D.’ed on feeling bad because here I am, being honest, telling her what my area of expertise was (and for how long since she just couldn’t seem to leave well enough alone) WHILE looking like a beached whale on her massage table! Maybe I’m overly critical. Maybe she didn’t see what I saw. Maybe she really could have cared less and had absolutely no opinion either way. I’ll never know so my only thought, obviously, is to make my thoughts, hers. My feelings, hers. My disgust, hers.
On a more positive note, I can honestly say that their did come a time, AFTER my eating disorder got out of control, AFTER I had been through some things and AFTER I surrounded myself with healthier people that I finally accepted the fact that I would never be thin, probably would never have the figure I was so determined to get at any cost (and actually did but was too caught up in not being satisfied that I never noticed although others did) and would most likely never fit those clothes I THOUGHT would look good on me. I accepted the reality that I’m not supermodel material but that I have an athletic physique. Lean muscle. Thinner toned  upper body with very strong legs. I had to rethink and reprogram my thought processes in order to survive – not just from a health perspective but from a clientele perspective too. I got tired of just talking the talk and convincing myself I’m an exception to the rule. Truth is: I’m not. I knew my passion for health & fitness was slowly dying because of all the self inflicted stress I was bringing upon myself, both mentally, psychologically and physically. Believe me, eating 5 crackers and drinking 3 glasses of juice and/or cool aid a day  while working out 3 times a day for at LEAST an hour every single day for 5 months straight AND taking at least 6-7 different KINDS of diet supplements is kinda sorta not the way to do things! Lol

Anyway, all this is said because over the years, with all my ups and downs, good times and bad, confusion and direction, discontentment and semi-satisfaction combined, I’m now left wondering at this late in the game if in fact it may be time to pursue other avenues. I feel like thats something that I need to do because let’s face it, regardless of my passion for H&F, is it doing ME more harm than good if I’m not ready to address it? I have two other interests: technology and psychology. I would love to pursue both of those but I always come back to the fact that I’m 41 and feeling like it’s too late to really be trying to start on a new career path. Do I have the energy, the patience and the genuine motivation  to see it out? Is this really what I want and can I really do this and succeed? All these questions, second guessing and contemplations are what has kept me at a cross road for the last 5 years.

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Connections

Sooo…here I am again. Blogging. Finally doing what I’ve been wanting to get back to doing and my long list of blog topics that I’ve made over the last few months is my testimony to that desire. Why I didn’t start again until now is a different blog, different day, different time. Anyway, my INTENTIONS are to make this short but I know how that goes!

Where to start? Well, to begin with I’m pretty much a social network junkie, techno nerd, gadget geek – true, their are way more deserving of those titles because they eat, sleep and drink that lifestyle 24/7 but even though I’m not at that point, YET, I can definitely tell you about the impact it has on me and my life. Im a loner. A loner by nature. A loner by choice. Always have been since I was a kid. Yes, I have “friends” but it never seems to fail that at any given time period, I’m either attached at the hip to only one or I’m once again, by myself. Lately, I’ve dove head on into the Twitter pool. Prior to that it was non-stop on Facebook (embarrassing to admit). Not to toot my own horn but on both networks, even though my intentions are to stay quietly in the background, I always end up “forming relationships” to some extent or another. While this is good, and I cherish every one of them (@rupertcheek, @superheroswife), I’ve recently finally figured out what that uneasy feeling is that I get when these “formings” occur and why I subconsciously/unintentionally tend to withdraw from them. The answer was as simple as this: while I like my solitude, my “lonerism”, and while I’m also ok interacting with people and for the most part don’t have any hangups when it comes to feeling like I can conversate in an intelligent manner or keep a decent dialogue, the fact still remains is that when I finally do go head on into the social arena, meet some really cool people (see above referenced as just part of the many) and make some kind of connection, it rattles me because in the back of my mind, I’m constantly reminded of what is missing in my life. I know it probably sounds weird or contradictory because I just got done saying that im content with my loner lifestyle. And I am. But that’s not to say that their are times that I do want more friendship connections. People I have chemistry with and can plan to do things with. People that are on the same page as me. People that are half way intelligent, can hold a conversation, and above anything else (well, right up there with) can make me laugh! People I get along with!

Socializing forces me, EVERY TIME, to look at and analyze my being. My choices. My current situation. I’m forced to recognize and acknowledge to myself that my life IS missing that certain puzzle piece that could perhaps add to it in a positive way and in pondering these things, it does somewhat, for lack of better words, bring an element of sadness. Or maybe it’s also that it knocks me off my high horse in Lonerville and opens my eyes to the realization that if making connections with other people, no matter how real or virtual they may be, gets me this stirred up, that it might be time to reconsider my choices and start making an effort to be more people-friendly. If that’s a journey that I decide to embark on, then I will definitely make sure to journal it in my blog!