Another old post im just now publishing. Enjoy.
I connected the dots and did the math. Trust me, despite the title, I’m not gloating or feeling like I’ve one-uped the former narcissist in my life and it definitely doesn’t give me joy and happiness to say this, but it did give me an element of peace to be able to come up with a new perspective on certain aspects of the now defunct relationship.
Anybody who has ever been entangled enough with and in the line of fire of a narcissist knows about the idolize, devalue and discard phases. For me, my devaluing came in the context of it being all too obvious that while i was once “up here” in his eyes, I eventually became seen as “down there”. Last on the list. Bottom of the totem pole. Worthless. A liability. Non-beneficial. Not about anything. It then dawned on me how to some extent, whether he’s aware of it or not, it must get to him knowing that someone who (in his eyes) has nothing, isn’t about anything and who has basically fallen from grace doesn’t even want HIM anymore! Not physically. Not emotionally and DEFINITELY not for any intellectual contributions. The standard of thinking is that someone “like me” usually would be happy to be thrown a bone by someone “like him” (whom he sees as the bees knees and superior to, at the very least, those he’s currently devaluing). When having to acknowledge that even the lowest of the low (in his eyes) doesn’t even want him, I can only imagine what that does to his already child like fragile ego. I don’t want to take solace in knowing that my rejection, regardless of the reasons, is acting as a blow to one’s sense of self – real or not – but SOMEWHERE in there, it helps ME with my healing.
I wrote this May 4th 2017 and have come a LONG way since. It’s my hope someone, anyone, gets something out of it.
I was laying in my bed last night thinking about my past relationship I had with a narcissist for 27+ years. Reminiscing about how toxic it was but the reminiscing was not in an unhealthy way. I wasn’t focused on the bad, I didn’t start going back down that mental rabbit hole and it didn’t, thank God, elicit any I’ll feelings, anger or hurt like it once upon a time did. After thinking for a little while about this now dead interaction, it seemed like all the names that were “third parties” to our so-called relationship started coming to mind. I imagined that I was having somewhat of a fictitious conversation with him and found myself starting to point out to him how many superficial relationships he’s had since I’ve known him – superficial because they were based on material things, sex and how he could benefit from them – and that he must be the one at fault because he’s the common denominator but even within this make believe conversation, I automatically caught myself cleaning it up and telling him that I could easily say that but it wouldn’t be entirely accurate. See, the truth is, and I’m not sure if I’m going to phrase this right, but the truth is….it’s not 100% his fault! Yes, the behaviors are unjustified and inexcusable but the reality is that we, the narcissist’s “victims” or “targets”, allow ourselves to be treated in such a deplorable manner because of issues that still need to be addressed. The narcissist executes the behaviors because of his or her own deep rooted dysfunctions, but we allow it to continue. To happen in the first place.
Anyway, after thinking about all this, I was blown away by how many others that he’s gone thru since I’ve known him, that most likely have or have had at the point in time they dealt with him, various unaddressed issues just like myself. I felt a sense of sadness and a sense of ‘wow’! People, we have to heal. Whether our trauma/issues/dysfunctions are no longer able to be ignored and brought to us on a silver platter by a sociopath or be it some other messenger….we have to become more self aware, be willing to go into uncomfortable territory, love ourselves and ultimately HEAL. Spring clean the negative in order to bring in the positive!