Another old post im just now publishing. Enjoy.
I connected the dots and did the math. Trust me, despite the title, I’m not gloating or feeling like I’ve one-uped the former narcissist in my life and it definitely doesn’t give me joy and happiness to say this, but it did give me an element of peace to be able to come up with a new perspective on certain aspects of the now defunct relationship.
Anybody who has ever been entangled enough with and in the line of fire of a narcissist knows about the idolize, devalue and discard phases. For me, my devaluing came in the context of it being all too obvious that while i was once “up here” in his eyes, I eventually became seen as “down there”. Last on the list. Bottom of the totem pole. Worthless. A liability. Non-beneficial. Not about anything. It then dawned on me how to some extent, whether he’s aware of it or not, it must get to him knowing that someone who (in his eyes) has nothing, isn’t about anything and who has basically fallen from grace doesn’t even want HIM anymore! Not physically. Not emotionally and DEFINITELY not for any intellectual contributions. The standard of thinking is that someone “like me” usually would be happy to be thrown a bone by someone “like him” (whom he sees as the bees knees and superior to, at the very least, those he’s currently devaluing). When having to acknowledge that even the lowest of the low (in his eyes) doesn’t even want him, I can only imagine what that does to his already child like fragile ego. I don’t want to take solace in knowing that my rejection, regardless of the reasons, is acting as a blow to one’s sense of self – real or not – but SOMEWHERE in there, it helps ME with my healing.