I’ve Come A Long Way

I was looking back over some of my journal entries and came across this one written on 9-26-2015. I’ve come so far from where my mindset was during that time and well, God is good! Take from it what you will (which I hope is a lesson) and most of all, happy reading!

9-26-2015
In the last few months I’ve been forced to acknowledge something that has apparently always been a factor in my relationships: I have a lot of relationships in my life that are not give and take, but seem to be more one sided. In addition to acknowledging this, it also led me to look deeper as to WHY this is and then it came to me: it can be traced back to my own issues and dysfunctions.

Let me tell you what kicked this whole thing off. A few months ago I made plans with my besty ┬áto go over his house and just geek out like we used to do but hadn’t in a long time. Before I go on, let me say that he’s in a very dysfunctional relationship where his girlfriend is so insecure that she accuses him of being involved with everything from the bathroom mirror to other men behind her back and he’s never even given her a reason to think such outrageous things, hence her own issues and dysfunctions come into play here, and at the same time, so does my besty’s for putting up with it and not drawing boundaries. Anyway, having not seen him for a while, having dragged a ton of my devices with me and looking forward to us hanging out, I got about 60 seconds from his gate, text to let him know this and what was his response? That his girlfriend was there! Apparently she had just dropped by only a few minutes prior to me texting him my ETA (which in my opinion, was ample time to send a short text informing me of this)and at the end of the day, what this meant was that it was a no go on the geeking out, let alone me even stopping by for a hot minute to say hi! Remember she has unfounded “suspicions” and “jealousy” issues.

I can say that I was pretty much sent into an internal rage! I personalized it as I do most things that involve other people and their behavior towards me. The first thing that came to my mind was that he didn’t value our friendship enough to at least defend it to her if I came over for just 90 seconds. Then I thought about how he didn’t value ME as a person to initiate a text or call to let me know not to come – even if I had one foot in the gate, so to speak. After I calmed down, or is it more accurate to say that WHAT calmed me down came next and that was realizing that my feelings about how the situation was handled and how I personalized it was a direct result of my OWN issues. Issues that I’m in the process of addressing and trying to heal from that originate in childhood. Issues of feeling disregarded. Never being chosen because I never felt good enough. Issues of not feeling not important to anyone when it comes down to it because EVERY ONE else was better or more valued than me.

Once I saw the situation from this perspective, I realized a few things that can be applied to a lot more interactions that I have in my life: 1. I usually place way more value on my relationships than the other person does and as a result I’ve had to reevaluate if each relationship is worth continuing to be that unbalanced or is it time to withdraw a little bit 2. Although I have a ways to go, the fact that I made that connection so quickly and was able to pretty much take my anger level down twenty notches proves that I have made progress on my journey to heal and 3. I won’t take ownership for my besty’s unhealthy choices. He chooses to be in a relationship like this where he has to sacrifice others in order to appease her and keep the drama down. Although I strongly disagree with that method, sometimes we just have to go through things before wet get to certain points.

At the end of the day, even though I was able to take ownership of MY emotions and MY reaction to the situation, process it in a healthy way so that I didn’t get stuck in that old familiar ‘what’s wrong with ME’ mental broken record and not take on the choices he made personally, he still needed to know that the WAY he went about it was NOT ok! So, instinctively I didn’t communicate with him for weeks, even though I really wasn’t mad at him. I guess that was my way of coming to the conclusion that after weighing out our 14 year friendship, it was clear that I either valued the friendship just a little more than he did or probably what is closer to the truth is that I just have a better sense of self awareness and ability to confront things head on than he does. Either way, I considered that situation one of the many revelations I’ve had about myself over the last few years that have been part of my healing journey.

And yes, me and my besty are still friends, although I don’t place as much emphasis on trying to hang out with him anymore and it’s still all good.

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Like-Minded People

This year I have written down a lot of goals. Most of them involve things that will help me be a better “me” on the inside and then theres the ones that will make me a more knowledgeable “me” such as things I want to learn but at the top of the list is the goal of surrounding myself with what I call like-minded people. In general, I’m what you call a loner. I have friends, but I prefer to be by myself most of the time however this year I’ve resolved to be more sociable and surround myself with people I have something in common with not just on an intellectual level but interests as well. I want to be around people who have goals and desires and aren’t just talking about them but actually getting up and aspiring towards them. Believe me, I know a lot of people right now who want this and want that, are going to do this, going to do that but it’s all talk! They don’t get off the couch or out the house or from in front of the computer long enough to make it happen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally not knocking being in front of the computer half your life since I’m a computer junky myself. Even I had to find balance between getting out of the house and breathing the closest thing to fresh air and sitting in front of my PC (or laying back with my laptop).

My point is, although their are many different types of people in the world and you’re going to interact with many that you don’t have anything in common with, you have a choice as to who you hang out with and this year I’ve chosen to find people that – and this may sound crazy – have common sense and use it, are half way intelligent (80% would be even better), have goals that contribute positively to their life in order to improve who they are and who genuinely have similar interests that I do. (I hate the ones that pretend to like something and it just happens to be something you like, but it’s all in the name of impressing you or thinking it makes them look better, grrrrr! Such a pathetic waste of mind energy!)

Anyway, in closing, I just want to make sure that I’m not coming across as thinking that a person shouldn’t have a variety of friends with different tastes, backgrounds, intellect, etc. That’s definitely what I’m NOT saying. I just believe that if a person is at a certain place in life, that they shouldn’t be weighed down by people who aren’t there yet and refuse to do anything to improve upon it.