Memoirs Of A Toxic Relationship – Lesson 2

That person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder that used to be in my life was finally given an ultimatum by me and I stuck to my guns about it. And I thank God every day that I did! To say that I was tired is such a cliche. I had BEEN tired for over 20 years but never took that first step that would ultimately free me from HIS world of chaos, deceit, ATTEMPTED manipulation, lies, cheating and the list goes on a mile long. Three years ago is when I heard a voice say to me so clearly, “it’s time”. That was the beginning of my journey to heal. It’s been rough. There’s been a lot of taking 3 steps forward then 5 steps backwards. A lot of questioning myself. A lot of game plans that I thought would allow me to be able to deal with this type of person. Then the day came when I hit my breaking point. I gave him an ultimatum – either he chooses me and shuts the door to all the other females and inappropriate relationships as well as all the doors he leaves open as a plan B or……..IM shutting the door on us and any type of relationship or interaction for good. Now mind you, prior to this I had tried to give him and us every opportunity to try and make this work. I will even goes as far as to say that MAJOR compromises on my part were offered but one thing I WOULD NOT give in to was marrying him AGAIN. And he knew this. Which is why I believe he used this as his trump card 🃏 aka his excuse not to compromise and be willing to give me what I NEEDED from him. Inevitably all this led up to that ultimatum. Yes, he attempted to manipulate the situation, spin it, twist the FACTS of it etc…….none of it worked because the truth of the matter was I wasn’t being swayed. I was no longer sweeping our reality under the rug. Not this time. He had a choice to make. I guess deep down I knew that either I wasn’t going to be the one he chose or if I was, it would all be superficial, deceitful and temporary and I’d be right back in the same predicament. To fast forward, that moment came. That moment during a conversation when he said in so many words that he chose the others. That he chose to keep doing HIM. That was one of the more painful moments between me and him but even in that moment, I literally felt a burden released and a weight lifted off of me. In that moment I felt free. Free from his chaos, free from that mindset I had been in that had me feeling like i had to compare myself and compete with all the other females and situations that I took a back seat to  INSIDE that bus he always threw me under! I was free to finally be able to set my mind on all the future healthy situations and relationships life had in store for me! In hindsight, i realize that was MY Independence Day. I do want to say however that my decision to close that door for good in the event i wasn’t the “chosen one” didn’t come over night. I actually pondered it, prepared for it, went thru all the emotions and even grieved for what I knew was coming. It prepared me to stand strong in my decision. 

I said all this to say that even though he chose other females, other situations and other things that he thought were more beneficial to his shallow and empty shell of a self, I didn’t lose. I actually won. I now have peace instead of chaos in my life. No more giving my time, energy and any part of me to someone who only offers deception, lies, cheating, maliciousness, slander and insincerity in return. I’m free, I’m healing, I’m moving forward and I WON! 

Memoirs Of A Toxic Relationship – Lesson 1

Self reflection is awesome. Awareness is even better. Once you get it. Most of us know, at least those of us with half a brain or who have experienced it first hand, that being in an unhealthy relationship is emotionally,
psychologically, physiologically and even physically draining. So when chaos breaks out and we go thru it with our significant other, the one we care about, that person that knows how to push the right button or buttons and then walks out, why do we instantly wish that they would come back? Well, there’s obviously many answers to that question depending on a lot of factors, but what I’ve come to realize was that it wasn’t the actual person I was wanting back – after all, why would I want someone whom I just argued and fought with, who just shifted blame in my direction and took no responsibility for their behavior, deflected, lied and attempted to manipulate me and the entire situation to his advantage, to come back into my presence? Shouldn’t I feel relieved that he just left? Shouldn’t I see that as an opportunity to gather my thoughts and regroup? Yes. Well, let me add a disclaimer right after that answer: if you’re even remotely emotionally stable you SHOULD see it from that perspective, but obviously, when dealing with a malignant Narcissist or any other person with some element of a or actual severe personality disorder, it doesn’t work that way. If indeed you ARE dealing with someone like this, then chances are you yourself have some unhealed emotional wounds that need to be addressed. So with that said, seeing it from that perspective will probably be the furthest from your reality in that moment, for hours or even days to come and a lot of times until that other person comes back. Back to ultimately end up going thru it again and again with you. So what is it really that we feel if we’re at least smart enough to know in the moment of that conflict we wish this person gone, the fight to be over and things to calm down and then when they leave, want them to come back?

In my own personal experience, it took me a while to realize that it really wasn’t the person that I wished would stay and not walk out the door, but rather it was me trying to avoid the feelings and mental scenarios that I knew would automatically come as a result of them not being there. Feelings I didn’t want to deal with because they were too overwhelming and draining. Scenarios that I would create, whether real or speculated, that were too painful, such as WHERE he was going, WHO he was going TO and WHAT he was doing. All of those things were the driving force behind why I thought I wanted him to come back – or not leave in the first place. Once I connected the dots about this, I was able to stop beating myself up about having such a stupid desire and finally address the real issue. I was able to take another step  forward on my journey to heal my issues and dysfunctions.

They Didnt Wake Up One Day And Decide To Be This Way

We hear a lot about the negative aspects of Narcissists and the devastating effects their actions have on the people that get involved with them. I myself am no stranger to it all. I was involved with a Narcissist for 27 years and a few years ago is when I went through the peak of his narcisstic abuse and saw what he was really made of for a concentrated 10 months. Of course, for the couple years following the 10 months, it was the after shocks of the abuse that lead me to start on a journey of healing childhood trauma and old wounds. Given all that, although I didn’t  like all the pain and hurt I suffered those months, nor did I like having to acknowledge the reality of what was going on with me, with him and with us as a unit, I must say that I AM grateful that it happened because of what it forced me to face about my own self.

Narcissists do a lot of damage. Narcissists are very damaged people themselves. Their seems to be a common theme among the information that’s out on these type of people: they’re rotten to the core, there’s no hope for change and we need to just flee at first red flag. The majority of things that you read about these people  are how they operate, signs to look for and the life altering negative impact they have on someone who is involved with them. I get all that and yes, we need to know these things but I also would like to propose that another aspect of narcissism be taken into consideration and placed wherever it may be the most helpful in your life. I propose that we somewhere remember that no matter how devious, calculating, manipulative, uncaring, selfish and devaluing they are or can be, among other things, a Narcissist didn’t just wake up one day and decide to become just that!

A Narcissist becomes a Narcissist because of trauma or negative influences in their own life at an early stage. True, their may be some biological factors involved but even on that level, can we not say that the individual with this personality disorder is just like the other people who suffer different kinds of personality disorders who have it come full circle given the right stressors and environment, possibly because of  predisposure? I guess in summmary, all I’m saying is that we focus mainly on how bad these people are, and rightly so in order to help victims of narcisstic abuse heal but I also have come to believe that understanding that most of these people have suffered their own kind of abuse at an early stage that has caused them to feel the need to create this false persona and uphold it at any cost. I’m going to assume that if you’re reading this that you, like myself, know that the core being of a Narcissist is filled with shame, low self esteem and a few other negative feelings and the fact that they can’t bring themselves to accept responsibility for their actions let alone   see the cause and effect of them, just makes them look even worse in society’s eyes.

We focus on the damage they do, the lives they ruin, how void of genuiness and true self they are but as I eluded to earlier, if we remember that something bad happened to THEM at some early point in time that had a profound impact on molding he or she into the sociopath they are today, maybe that can open up some kind of compassion in us that can make healing just slightly more bearable.

Compassion. Not for the Narcissist,  but for you.   

The Narcissist Losing Control….

It has been sad that when a narcissist is exposed with his games, lies, manipulations and slander – that in their mind it becomes war. It’s literally like they feel as if they need to fight for their life! Meaning, although the narcissist may be fooling, manipulating and playing games with multiple people at the same time, it’s a totally different story when they are found out by multiple people in the same time frame! I was privy to seeing my narcissist, what was in my opinion, him losing control. It seemed like his maliciousness, lies and uncaring attitude had recently reached an all time high because not only were these actions directed towards the usual ‘victims’, but now i saw people who had always been on the ‘off limits’ list now become targets in his line of fire. Even my dog fell victim to his out of control dysfunctions but that’s another story that I DO NOT want to talk about right now.

Without going into too much detail, their was a situation that occurred a few months ago where relationships went sour, tons of accusations made and just an overall mess involving many people. Oh yes, my narcissist played the role well, having us all convinced he had nothing to do with it – even me, who has known him the longest, knowing how he is and knowing what he is capable of, never thought that he would cross this line with the people involved. In the end though he told on himself during one of his fits and rages. Revealing that ultimately he was the culprit who did the deed that caused relationships to crumble while sitting back and watching trust be broken between people, secrets told (I believe mainly, if not ONLY, by him) and family members throwing other family members under the bus. I also found out, after the fact, that he told some of MY secrets and added a few things to them, slandered my name yet again, and told some of the most RIDICULOUS lies that even the people he was telling them to knew better! No, none of this is foreign territory to the narcissist but when it happens over a short time and to people who he has always held some kind of boundaries with in certain areas, then it’s my belief – at least with MY narcissist – that they were at a point of desperation because they were losing control. I’m also a Christian, a firm believer in God and yes, I do subscribe to the “you reap what you sow” belief which is why I truly believe that where he is now (jail) is just the beginning of God dealing with him and his bad behavior. In Christianity there is a believe by many Christians that when God begins to deal with a person, they often get worse before they get better. I believe this is the beginning of the storm for my narcissist and I’m believing that one day in the future I’ll be able to blog about his miraculous turn around. In the meantime, I continue to make great strides on my journey to heal from childhood trauma and narcissistic abuse.

Empowered!

Just wanted to share something which is what I call a bit of self revelation based on experiences that I’ve had with the narcissist in my own life. Because I have a few friends that also have narcissists, psycho and sociopaths, emotionally abusive partners and overall unhealthy relationships in their lives, I always remind them of this point in hopes that it may give them some hope to feel empowered:

It goes without saying that people treat you the way that you allow them to. Of course, it’s not always so simple when we have issues that most likely originate from childhood. But the one thing I had absolutely no problem reminding MY narcissist of, is that without me and all the other dysfunctional women in the world, HE WOULD BE NOTHING! He’d have nobody to prey on, live off of, to impress with HIS fantasy realities of himself or play these ridiculous manipulation games with! He’d totally be up a creek without a paddle! Although knowing this doesn’t make the pain go away, always remember that YOU ultimately have the power. Even though you’ve given it to him or her, you have the right to revoke it the moment that you come into the realization that you deserve better!