Generalizations

A This will be a little off topic from my usual posts lately, but I have to blog when the feeling hits! Earlier I was thinking about something that led up to me pondering the question, “why do a lot of women who have had a bad experience or even several bad experiences with men within a relationship tend to come up with generalizations about them?” For example, we’re probably all familiar with the “all men are dogs” saying. I’ve also heard about what “all guys” do when they want to leave you at the moment – they start an argument so that they can go to the other woman. Personally, as a female, I don’t subscribe to that. Yeah, I get it. It’s easier to blame something or someone else instead of looking at yourself and definitely there are men and women that use this unnecessary tactic. I’m also excluding relationships where personality disorders are a factor. First of all, you can apply that theory to PEOPLE in general – starting an argument just so one can leave. I don’t think its exclusive to men. Second, the narcissist that used to be in my life did not have that problem or should I say that theory didn’t apply to him. He was too much of a control freak and his mindset was that he was going to do what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it, with whom he wanted to do it with and he didn’t have to tell you anything about it and believe me, if part of his leaving was to get back at you, trust me you were going to know exactly what the deal was!

Maybe I’m too self aware and that’s why I ponder these ridiculous questions but it seems to me that when women adopt this mindset of applying one behavior to all men, not only do they have to process and heal from the bad relationships, but now they have to overcome the faulty thinking that they’ve adopted about men in general which, in my opinion is not only extra work but also makes it more difficult to get into a healthy relationship in the future. I say, take each interaction, relationship or even friendship on a case-by-case basis. Definitely learn from past mistakes, but part of the process of learning from them is not about attributing the mistakes of the previous to the current. If you’ve had a series of interactions where you feel that the men have had similar negative ways, then maybe it’s time to look within and find out what it is that keeps allowing you to be involved with men that exhibit these behaviors or what it is about yourself that you may contribute to the unhealthy combination. And just to be clear, in no way, shape or form am I justifying bad behavior, bad choices and toxic people. I’m saying that instead of taking the default mindset of thinking that the male species are all born with the same DNA strands when it comes to certain things, maybe it’s time to look at all the factors involved – which includes you!

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Memoirs Of A Toxic Relationship – Lesson 2

That person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder that used to be in my life was finally given an ultimatum by me and I stuck to my guns about it. And I thank God every day that I did! To say that I was tired is such a cliche. I had BEEN tired for over 20 years but never took that first step that would ultimately free me from HIS world of chaos, deceit, ATTEMPTED manipulation, lies, cheating and the list goes on a mile long. Three years ago is when I heard a voice say to me so clearly, “it’s time”. That was the beginning of my journey to heal. It’s been rough. There’s been a lot of taking 3 steps forward then 5 steps backwards. A lot of questioning myself. A lot of game plans that I thought would allow me to be able to deal with this type of person. Then the day came when I hit my breaking point. I gave him an ultimatum – either he chooses me and shuts the door to all the other females and inappropriate relationships as well as all the doors he leaves open as a plan B or……..IM shutting the door on us and any type of relationship or interaction for good. Now mind you, prior to this I had tried to give him and us every opportunity to try and make this work. I will even goes as far as to say that MAJOR compromises on my part were offered but one thing I WOULD NOT give in to was marrying him AGAIN. And he knew this. Which is why I believe he used this as his trump card 🃏 aka his excuse not to compromise and be willing to give me what I NEEDED from him. Inevitably all this led up to that ultimatum. Yes, he attempted to manipulate the situation, spin it, twist the FACTS of it etc…….none of it worked because the truth of the matter was I wasn’t being swayed. I was no longer sweeping our reality under the rug. Not this time. He had a choice to make. I guess deep down I knew that either I wasn’t going to be the one he chose or if I was, it would all be superficial, deceitful and temporary and I’d be right back in the same predicament. To fast forward, that moment came. That moment during a conversation when he said in so many words that he chose the others. That he chose to keep doing HIM. That was one of the more painful moments between me and him but even in that moment, I literally felt a burden released and a weight lifted off of me. In that moment I felt free. Free from his chaos, free from that mindset I had been in that had me feeling like i had to compare myself and compete with all the other females and situations that I took a back seat to  INSIDE that bus he always threw me under! I was free to finally be able to set my mind on all the future healthy situations and relationships life had in store for me! In hindsight, i realize that was MY Independence Day. I do want to say however that my decision to close that door for good in the event i wasn’t the “chosen one” didn’t come over night. I actually pondered it, prepared for it, went thru all the emotions and even grieved for what I knew was coming. It prepared me to stand strong in my decision. 

I said all this to say that even though he chose other females, other situations and other things that he thought were more beneficial to his shallow and empty shell of a self, I didn’t lose. I actually won. I now have peace instead of chaos in my life. No more giving my time, energy and any part of me to someone who only offers deception, lies, cheating, maliciousness, slander and insincerity in return. I’m free, I’m healing, I’m moving forward and I WON! 

Empowered!

Just wanted to share something which is what I call a bit of self revelation based on experiences that I’ve had with the narcissist in my own life. Because I have a few friends that also have narcissists, psycho and sociopaths, emotionally abusive partners and overall unhealthy relationships in their lives, I always remind them of this point in hopes that it may give them some hope to feel empowered:

It goes without saying that people treat you the way that you allow them to. Of course, it’s not always so simple when we have issues that most likely originate from childhood. But the one thing I had absolutely no problem reminding MY narcissist of, is that without me and all the other dysfunctional women in the world, HE WOULD BE NOTHING! He’d have nobody to prey on, live off of, to impress with HIS fantasy realities of himself or play these ridiculous manipulation games with! He’d totally be up a creek without a paddle! Although knowing this doesn’t make the pain go away, always remember that YOU ultimately have the power. Even though you’ve given it to him or her, you have the right to revoke it the moment that you come into the realization that you deserve better!

The Gift of A Platonic Relationship

I so believe in these between members of the opposite sex! I believe in them because I’ve been blessed enough to meet someone of the opposite sex that I not only consider my best friend, but also like a brother. I don’t know the statistics or numbers, but I would assume that the number of people in relationships with a best or close friend of the opposite sex is not all that high. Even though I’m currently not in a relationship and to be exact, I’m divorced, when I was, I still had my besty right there beside me (so to speak).

Now if you recall in the ‘About Me’ section, I said that my blogs were more of an online diary, which means that this blog right here is no exception. I usually write on random stuff and so during the randomness that frequently goes thru my mind, I started thinking about my best friend, how blessed I was to even have one and then for some reason started to think about people who really take friendship for granted. Of course, one person, who shall remain nameless in the event he ever reads this, instantly came to mind. Here, we have a person who can basically be considered a womanizer. He lives off other people (mostly women) and to my knowledge, in all the 20+ years (that was a major name hint right there!) that we’ve been knowing each other, I don’t ever recall him having a friend of the opposite sex that he could truly call just a ‘friend’. It’s sad to realize that every relationship he had with the opposite sex either started off as a game, an ego booster or a manipulation tactic. On those rare occasions that I did see this person, I used to get really frustrated at the comments that come out his mouth when someone of the opposite sex was simply being polite or conversing with me. To him, it was always that other person is trying to “get with me” or some stupid ulterior motive other than simple conversation. I realized a long time ago that just like the ole’ saying goes, “you can’t give what you don’t have”, well you also can’t UNDERSTAND what you’ve never experienced.

One of the characteristics of a friendship, no matter if it’s with the same sex or opposite, is being able to just be YOU. Being honest, up front, and relaxed around each other are vital to ANY relationship. When you have a friend of the opposite you should be able to go hang out, do normal things, not be distracted by any one-sided or mutual attraction lingering in the air but rather, if their IS any attraction, one or both parties should be able to put those feelings aside for the sake of the friendship and not let them be a driving or motivating force. Also, you should want to hang out because they’re your friend – not because of what they can do for you or what you can get from them but because they are truly your platonic friend.

I dont know. This is a subject that I feel really strongly about and I know that it’s a lot more complex than what I’ve expressed, but I really get disheartened when I think of how their are those who don’t have the capability at this point in their life to make genuine connections with the opposite sex or even have the insight on how to cultivate them without seeing every person as an opportunity to survive, get over or get ahead in life. You truly don’t know that you’re missing out on one of the simple pleasures of life: a true friendship with someone.

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